i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
