the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
