the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
