So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
