i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
