We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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