Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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