The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
