they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
