Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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