I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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