i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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