he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
