my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
