if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
