just come out here and I will go home with you...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
