don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
