She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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