dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My bed smells like the plague
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
