mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
