I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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