I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
