I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
