should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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