god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
