He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
