all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
