i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
