These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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