Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
