According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
