At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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