erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
