I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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