Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
