bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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