its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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