I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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