Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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