You just made me feel so damn special
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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