Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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