Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
