you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
