I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
