Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The Olympian is in my bed
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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