tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
