bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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