Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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