My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
