So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
