is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
